Sunday, June 19, 2016

5 Ways To Ensure you Never Write Anything of Value


I wrote this as a sort of satirical rant after submitting a few articles to Thought Catalogue and only getting my least favourite one chosen. I thought I might share it here, enjoy the overwhelming sarcasm. 
  1.  Make sure you only ever write about ‘what’s hot’. An inspired commentary on Kim Kardashian’s butt will surely attract more views than a simple piece expressing true emotions about a topic, which might actually be personal to you. I mean if it can’t be hash-tagged is it even worth writing about?
  2.  Make sure you are painfully relatable. You need to appeal to as large an audience as possible so god forbid you take too strong a stance on any topic or express a controversial view. Be relatable so you can get a flood of two word comments expressing no more than “too true” since what could possibly be more rewarding as a writer?
  3.   Make sure whatever you write about doesn’t surpass the shallow level of emotions that would be expressed by an average person. Sadness about a break-up or longing for a person you’ll never have are perfect emotions to express to give the impression that you have a deeper understanding of the human psyche while still remaining in the emotional span of the average reader.
  4. Write with the purpose of presenting yourself in a certain way. You should appear amusing, critical and slightly self-deprecating all in one short article. Your writing should make you the most profound yet most relatable person in the field. Never expose that you might actually be a real person with a multi-faceted personality, you might come across as fake.
  5. Put everything you write into cookie cutter lists and summarize all your thoughts into one-liners that keep the readers interested. If your thoughts can’t be expressed in a list they must certainly be to complex to hold anyone’s attention.

 Never write with genuine passion, or with the hope of inspiring someone. Write to attract attention and I promise you, you will never write anything of value. 

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